


The Tragedy Of My Sins

by GayNoctis



Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Affairs, Bottom Brendon, Divorce, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Heartbreaking, M/M, POV Third Person, Past Relationship(s), Ryden, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-12
Updated: 2016-05-12
Packaged: 2018-06-08 01:41:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6833620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GayNoctis/pseuds/GayNoctis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brendon's playing in Memphis, all it takes is one look into those honey eyes, he's gone. </p><p> </p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Memphis

**Author's Note:**

> i did this on tumblr, you can thank formerguitaristryanross for telling me to post it on this website when I know how awful my writing is :')

Brendon could feel the energy, the cheering and singing of the crowd all around him.  
The bright lights shining against his skin, the sweat that dripped down from every angle, from all the moving around he does.

“The next song is called, Casual Affair.” 

Brendon laughed a bit at himself, at the energy that surrounded him. He loves playing for these crowds, all his tendencies to overthink just disappear. The crowd cheered. But something felt wrong when they cheered, it felt off somehow. Needless to say, Brendon pushes this off as anxiety and it’s nothing to worry about. He looks at the crowd before he begins the song. His smile grows bigger and then he starts.

 " _Hey, a casual affair.”_

_“That could go anywhere.”_

_“And only for tonight.”_

 He continues to watch the crowd as he walks across the stage, every little vague face that he looks at never show a single hint of disinterest. Of course, why would they?

 That is until he spots him. That hair. The height. Everything about that person, screamed of him. And the vague disinterest that appears on his face, no fan of his would have a poker face like that.

Ryan was here. He could always make his presence known, Brendon knew that from past experiences. They always managed to bump into each other.

The sweat on his skin was sticking to him, the pulse of the beat by the drumming kept up with his heartbeat.

And before he knows it he finishes the set, Ryan was still standing in the crowd.

The anxiety was eating him inside by the end of it, he never liked running into him of all people. However, two can play at the game of showing as little interest in the other as possible. Even though he’s far more insecure than Ryan is. The whole world knew that, especially with his facade of being the happiest man ever.

 

_Ryan Ross, that fucker gets under my skin, all the things he did to me, every single memory remains the same in my mind, he seems to have moved on. Yet here he is, watching me play, I don’t understand._

He pushes those thoughts away, smiles at the crowd. 

 “You guys were fucking great! We’ll see you next time, Memphis!” 

_It’s always the same when it comes to shows, not that it matters, it’s just empty words compared to the days Jon, Spencer, Ryan were here. Everything back then was golden, now it’s almost like Ryan’s making the effort to possibly resolve the tension between us. It’s questionable, after all these years he’s going to make the effort to watch me play, with his original band name?_

Dallon makes his way over to Brendon, “Hey, you okay?”

Brendon laughs hysterically, was Dallon really good at reading him or was he just terrible at masking his own emotions?

 

“What makes you think that?” Brendon eyes him, he didn’t like it when Dallon did this, as if he was a fragile Capricorn. 

Brendon avoided looking back at the crowd, knowing Ryan’s either left or was watching him converse with Dallon. Which made him feel even more nervous than he already was, especially now that Dallon’s noticed something off about him. 

Dallon raises his eyebrows, “Listen Brendon, I saw him. I’m not going to talk to you about him, I just don’t want you to get fucked up by this. And it’s not like he’s going to come talk to you, he’s never really talked to you much has he?”

 

_Oh, Dallon, you smartass. He’s always been one, that’s what’s great about him, he’s more of a smartass than me._

 

Brendon looks back at the empty crowd, only a couple people were still there as Dallon and him talked near the side of the stage. 

_He’s already gone. Just like that, he’s always been the one who’d run away, he never has the fucking guts to even talk to me._

 

Dallon sighs, “Brendon, let’s just clean up, sorry I even mentioned this, I just really hope you stop being bitter about this, solve it like anyone else would. Or at least Spencer would say something like that.” 

 

Brendon watches Dallon walk away, he’s left alone to think about what he saw, what this conversation had been lead to. Dallon always watches his back, he really appreciates that but sometimes it’s like everyone thinks he’s like a soft, fragile Capricorn. He hates that. 

 

“Fuck you,” Brendon yells out to no one in particular. 

 

He’s always alone, even when his band members are around, even when Sarah’s around, the loneliness never leaves. The only time it ever left was when he was around Spencer, Jon, Ryan, but even then it still was there. Brendon’s not in the mood, it’s funny how easily his mood can change even by a simple gesture of seeing someone of the past, the fact that it still makes him feel angry still proves that he’s running away from the problem. The irony, that they both run away from the problem, it’s a game they play, they both play it really well. But there are times where Brendon fails to run fast enough, or at least avoid what’s about to come. The stage was cleared, Brendon was already heading to the bus, everyone else was out eating; he didn’t want to talk to them since his mood is already fucked by the thoughts of him. If it’s not Dallon, it’s Ryan. What a bunch of bullshit. 

 

As he walks outside of the stage area, he sees a figure laying next to the wall.  

_It’s him, god, he’s just so laid back about this. Fuck him, he knows that I’m so weak, that sadistic motherfucker._

 

Brendon raises his eyebrows, “Do you need something? Cause there’s no one else around, you wouldn’t be standing here if it weren’t for me.”

The bitterness in his tone, caused Ryan to move into the light of the lamp post.

 

“It’s been awhile, hasn’t it Brendon?” 

_Shit._


	2. Baby, We Built This City

_This fucker knows what he’s doing, I’m so angry, yet there’s something in me that wants him to just kiss me already. Pathetic? Yeah, I know._

“Brendon. Does she know?” Ryan’s monotonous voice is loud against the silence that is between us.

_What?!_

Brendon laughs awkwardly, “What do you mean? Does she know what? That we had a thing? No, she doesn’t, I won’t tell her and you know that.”

Ryan doesn’t even smile, nor does his tone change. 

“Well, you’re going to have to tell her someday, right? Of course you’ll lie to her, we’re both liars, you know it too. Don’t try to act you’re sweet and innocent to the world, when you’re already hurting her by lying. It’s strange, really. You’re heartbroken but you’re in love.”

Those words hit Brendon hard, he’s ready to bite back now that Ryan’s already spewing shit like this at him.

Brendon has a grim look on his face, he knew Ryan would say something like that, but to be so honest is what he loves in people, especially _him_. 

“God, Ryan. I’m speechless, you always were straight up to everyone, jesus fuck is this why you’re here? Are you here to tell me that I should tell my fucking wife this stupid shit of our past?”

Ryan raises his eyebrows, “Aren’t you acting a bit too defensive for this? I’m just telling the truth as it is, you can’t keep up this facade, especially with someone you love. Didn’t you learn that with me?”

_God. He keeps on going with that, he knows it hurts you. The fucker knows, he’s so beautiful when he spits the truth to you._

Everything was quiet for a moment, time doesn’t feel real anymore, not with him around. The world’s almost too slow for the both of us. 

Brendon glares at Ryan, “You’re a fucking dick, you know that?”

Ryan manages a small smile, “Yeah, I know that. But you know lying is not going to end well, I’m just looking out for you, I don’t want to see you hurt over something you could have prevented. Just tell her the truth, she won’t judge you for it.”

Brendon bites his lip, “Listen, I just can’t do that, Ryan. I can’t.”

Ryan walks towards Brendon, now facing him even closer than previously. 

His hazel eyes staring right into his black ones. 

Ryan leans forward, whispers into his ear, “You know, the only reason I left you was because of my own fears, my own stupidity lead to it. If you really loved Sarah, you would have told her the truth already, I did exactly that with Keltie because I at least at the time had loved her enough to tell her the truth.”

Brendon’s breathe hitches, the warm breathe that stands on his neck, Ryan’s too close for his own good. 

_He’s like a drug, oh god. I want him. I want him to tell me the more of my own flaws, spew the truth right into me, god._

Brendon’s face flushes, he’s always vulnerable when Ryan tells him the truth, especially when he’s this close. Brendon’s always been bad at lying, then Ryan comes to call him out on his shit. 

Brendon whispers right back, “I can’t do it, Ryan. I can’t hurt her, I can’t. I do love her, oh god I do but she’s not like you. She doesn’t make me feel like this, when you’re so close to me, I want you to kiss me, to touch me. I want you, you’re the drug that I can’t stop taking, you make me feel like fireworks.”

It all happens in a spew of moments, with Brendon’s flushed face, Ryan’s face so close to him. 

Ryan grabs Brendon’s hand, “Let’s talk some more in the bus. Is anyone there?” 

“No, they won’t come back until the morning at around 8. Since they’re all going to a hotel, and I already warned them about what I’ll be doing.”

Ryan grins, “Well, good we’ll be needed privacy, you know that.”

Brendon laughs, “Yeah, well I wouldn’t want them to see me being a slut.”

Brendon follows Ryan, points out that he has the keys.

“Thanks.”

The door opens with ease, “Nice bus you’ve got,” Ryan looks around as Brendon shuts the door and locks it.

“Yeah..it’s not the same though, you know from back then, all the jokes we made, Spencer snorting his soda when he you tripped over Jon sleeping. Which woke him up, he was like ‘Dude, what the hell’.”

Ryan laughs, “Fuck. I didn’t even see him, Jon’s always been like that. Fun times, weren’t they?”

Brendon nods.

It’s not awkward anymore, the old tension when they talked back at Halloween is gone, it’s almost too good to be true. But here he is laughing with him, Ryan’s laughing too. 

Brendon sighs, “I’ve missed this. I’m so fucked up right now, Ryan. What am I supposed to tell her, she’s done so much for me and I’m treating her like a fucking toy.”

Ryan eyes him, sits down. 

“You tell her the truth, Brendon. The whole truth, nothing but the truth. Even if it’ll hurt her, you need to tell her that if you truly love her. And you need to tell her your real feelings, as I said you probably were heartbroken when me and Jon left, right? Anyways, that’s really what you need to do, I’ll wait for you.”

_And he was right, I’ve never told her how I really felt, I never told her about what happened between me and Ryan, I never told her because I was afraid. I was afraid that she’d leave me, just like Ryan did, she was there when he wasn’t. I used her as a replacement, now it’s time I tell the truth, when the one I truly love is in front of me._

“Alright, I’m going to call her, you better not fucking laugh at me if I fuck up.”

Ryan nods, “I won’t. I’m not that fucking rude.”

_Yeah, sure you aren’t. After you fucking left me, rude my ass._

Brendon sits on the other couch, opposite of Ryan. 

He grabs his phone, he stares at her number for a moment. Everything they’ve done together come into his mind, every single time she made him laugh, every time they made shitty jokes. It’s all going to memories that he won’t remember, he’ll eventually forget because of Ryan. That’s what Ryan Ross did to him, he makes him forget about the worst things, the old past that haunts him. And he and Ryan knew this was the right thing to do, the world already knew what they did in 2008, nothing’s new. 

“Hey, Sarah…I think we need to talk. I need to tell you something.”

Her voice hints that she’s confused, Brendon knows it.

“Oh. Okay. Well, you can tell me anything, Bren. You know that already.”

_No, I don’t. I’ve lied to you for far too long, the guilt is eating me inside, I can’t keep up with these depressive moods anymore. I can’t keep writing songs about him, when you’re so oblivious to what’s the truth. I’m sorry._

“Well, where do I start, this all started in 2005, I didn’t mean for it to happen.”

And then he hears it, the soft hitch in her breathe, anticipating whatever he is going to say. It’s going to hurt, he’s going to pour out all the years onto her, she’s going to fall. No one’s going to catch her, he knew that. It’s time for it to end, the lies, the casual affairs, most of all the internalization of his own emotions.

“Bren. W-What’s this about?”

She stutters, because she’s scared. Scared of the truth, just like himself. 

“It’s about me and Ryan, Sarah. It’s about how we fell in love.”

**Author's Note:**

> also thank you to brenurie for sending me msgs about finishing the 3rd chapter!!


End file.
